in Особености на живота с други хора

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Има една дума в речника на всеки родител със стаж над две години, която съдържа толкова много емоции, такава страст, толкова силен заряд на упоритост и твърд характер, но и на взаимна близост и домашен уют, че често ни се иска да си я изпринтим като голям хубав бял надпис върху червена тениска и все с нея да си ходим, а често в края на тежък ден просто ни иде да си я татуираме с красив ръкописен шрифт в средата на челото и непрекъснато да го сочим с пръст.
Това е думичката АЙДЕ.
АЙДЕ се повтаря ежедневно и дори ежечасно от толкова ранна детска възраст, че често детето под две години си мисли, че така се казва. Например, питат го на площадката – Как се казваш, миличка?, а то отговаря – АЙДЕКОВАПОВА, което значи Айде Петкова Попова. Малката АЙДЕ знае, че умалителното АЙДЕМАМЕ е производно на ХАЙДЕКАЗАХ, което тя никак не харесва и много добре знае, че е сгафила, като го чуе. Ако малката АЙДЕ има по-голяма сестра или брат, един от първите й философски размисли за живота е посветен на това дали родителите й изобщо имат някакъв акъл да си кръстят и двете деца АЙДЕ, и нон стоп да го крещят това докато и двете тичат хаотично в потрес, и никой никога да не разбере кой точно трябва моментално да си обуе ботушите и кой да си издуха веднага носа, и винаги и двете деца да правят и двете неща едновременно, и с това още повече да ядосват родителя си, чието лице бавно придобива цвят на узрял био домат.
Малко по-късно детето разбира, че АЙДЕ всъщност е глагол и на АЙДЕИДВАЙ или АЙДЕЯЖ започва да отговаря с АЙДВАМ, АЙДВАМ.
АЙДЕ, освен име и глагол, е и единица за време. Например АЙДЕЗАКЪСНЯВАМЕ е с продължителност от пет до петдесет и пет минути и с честота от три до тридесет и пет повторения, последните десет на фалцет. Ако се закъснява за училище и ще се остане довечера без таблет, АЙДЕЗАКЪСНЯВАМЕ е пет пъти и два валериана. Ако се закъснява за рожден ден, може да се проточи до десет пъти, три смени на рокля, два пъти – „не със сандали, навън вали сняг” и пет до десет „не реви, не те скубя нарочно, просто си много рошава, не, не исках да те обидя”.
АЙДЕ се използва и като мерна единица за звук. Съществуват няколко степени в скалата за измерване, познати като децибел, бел и АЙДЕСТОПЪТИЛИДАПОВТАРАМ. Допустимите за слуха степени на звука са подредени във възходяща прогресия така: шум от хладилник в празна стая, прахосмукачка по време на сън, флекс в неделя сутрин, автомобилна аларма от три до пет през нощта, пневматичен чук на тротоара пред офиса по време на среща, голямо междучасие в коридора на втори клас, две разминаващи се мотриси (от руските) на Метростанция Сердика в шест часа. Към потенциално опасните за човешкия слух спадат взрива на противопехотна мина, звука от турбореактивен двигател, следвани от АЙДЕДОМАШНОТО и АЙДЕВБАНЯТАТИКАЗАХ. На АЙДЕЛЯГАЙВЕДНАГА е възможно спонтанно спукване на тъпанчето. Съседите знаят това и обикновено викат полиция за нарушаване на обществения ред или, ако ги мързи, просто тропат по тръбите на парното.
Важно е да се отбележи, че с употребата на АЙДЕ трябва да се внимава. Тя не бива да превишава 30 процента от ежедневния речников запас, в противен случай води до главоболие, загуба на гласа и безсъние.
Затова чао, АЙДЕ, до после.

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